coral for a whole weekend
easter and the reminder of that pain and the beauty that followed used mugs that remind me that i just hang out with a really neat person being loved on when i'm sick mom's homemade banana bread stars. stars. stars. a quiet room time in my favorite book store old photographs my mom and my dad and their stories the hobbit, a hundred times over sleeping in because sometimes you need it book swapping springtime reading at the park with my kindred car rides in beautiful weather time to simply be amy stinkin' cline and her beautiful life so much singing waking up to the rain and the birdies the rain staying most of the day seeing my littles when adam explains his jokes to me (ha) looking forward to summer gardening the bluffs of home and how they put me at ease time to sit and realize how good my God is sometimes, i realize i don't have any of the answers.
sometimes, i feel a lot of fear creeping in sometimes, i want to know everything before it happens sometimes, i wish nothing could ever change, ever sometimes, i remember too much of how things used to be sometimes, i pretend that I've got it all under control sometimes, i ignore the fact that I need Jesus sometimes, i let myself feel too much pain sometimes, i let my insecurity consume me sometimes, i forget that my God is bigger than me let my eyes look to you, oh God. These are 5 of my 6 nieces and nephews.. today I am missing them so stinkin' much! I wish this sign said, "Hi Aunt Holland!" My goodness, look at them. So much love. I wonder if this is how Jesus feels when he looks at his children.
Sometimes, I find myself gripped by fear. That's the honest truth- it's a little insight into my heart. I am afraid of things that I cannot control, or simply things that I don't know. Tonight I was flipping through my latest journal entries, and I just really want to share this one. "God, I am still afraid. I need you, need your love. God, it has never been this tangible. I have never been so close. I picture myself on the edge of a tall cliff, about to plummet off. But maybe it's like how Jenna describes South Dakota, that 'end of the world' feeling. She describes how the road slopes upward, and she can't see anything past it. In her mind, her car is going to come up to the top, and then just disappear, or drive off the edge. But in reality, she is just coming over a little unknown hill, only to see a beautiful, endless expanse infront of her.. An endless expanse that she didn't even know could possibly exist. Father, I know you hold me. I know you do. I know your love for me is binding. I think I am just too afraid. Is it a lack of trust, or fear of the future? Or wisdom? But perfect love casts out fear, does it not?" So that's a bit where my heart is at tonight. Perhaps it makes no sense to you, or perhaps it makes perfect sense. My broken sentences and random thoughts are sometimes hard to follow, even for me. But I feel that God spoke to me in that moment, saying, "Holland, I've got you. Just hold on."
So perhaps it looks like a little less fear, a little more trust, and a lot more Jesus. My sorrow, when she's here with me, thinks these dark days of autumn rain are beautiful as days can be; she loves the bare, the withered tree; she walks the sodden pasture lane. Replace the word "autumn" in that quote with "spring," and that's me today. Sometimes I think God created rain for the sole purpose of letting me know he loves me deeply. Actually, most of the time I think that.
Until one day I had enough Of this exercise of trust. I leaned in and let it hurt, And let my body feel the dirt. When I break pattern, I break ground. I rebuild when I break down. I wake up more awake than I’ve ever been before. Still I’m pinned under the weight Of what I believed would keep me safe. So show me where my armor ends, Show me where my skin begins. This song, I just can't get enough of it. If you read these lyrics, they might seem a little down cast. But listen to this song and you'll know what I'm talking about. It makes me wanna jump up, and just run. Run with joy from whatever fear is keeping me in, whatever armor I've got on. Because what is there to be afraid of, really?
Show me where my skin begins. |