coral for a whole weekend
easter and the reminder of that pain and the beauty that followed
used mugs that remind me that i just hang out with a really neat person
being loved on when i'm sick
mom's homemade banana bread
stars. stars. stars.
a quiet room
time in my favorite book store
old photographs
my mom and my dad and their stories
the hobbit, a hundred times over
sleeping in because sometimes you need it
book swapping
springtime
reading at the park with my kindred
car rides in beautiful weather
time to simply be
amy stinkin' cline and her beautiful life
so much singing
waking up to the rain and the birdies
the rain staying most of the day
seeing my littles 
when adam explains his jokes to me (ha)
looking forward to summer gardening
the bluffs of home and how they put me at ease
time to sit and realize how good my God is

sometimes, i realize i don't have any of the answers.
sometimes, i feel a lot of fear creeping in 
sometimes, i want to know everything before it happens
sometimes, i wish nothing could ever change, ever
sometimes, i remember too much of how things used to be
sometimes, i pretend that I've got it all under control
sometimes, i ignore the fact that I need Jesus
sometimes, i let myself feel too much pain
sometimes, i let my insecurity consume me
sometimes, i forget that my God is bigger than me

let my eyes look to you, oh God.  

beauty.

These are 5 of my 6 nieces and nephews.. today I am missing them so stinkin' much! I wish this sign said, "Hi Aunt Holland!" My goodness, look at them. So much love. I wonder if this is how Jesus feels when he looks at his children. 

Sometimes, I find myself gripped by fear.

That's the honest truth- it's a little insight into my heart.  I am afraid of things that I cannot control, or simply things that I don't know.  Tonight I was flipping through my latest journal entries, and I just really want to share this one.

So that's a bit where my heart is at tonight.   Perhaps it makes no sense to you, or perhaps it makes perfect sense.  My broken sentences and random thoughts are sometimes hard to follow, even for me.  But I feel that God spoke to me in that moment, saying, "Holland, I've got you. Just hold on."

                          So perhaps it looks like a little less fear, a little more trust, and a lot more Jesus. 

Replace the word "autumn" in that quote with "spring," and that's me today. Sometimes I think God created rain for the sole purpose of letting me know he loves me deeply.  Actually, most of the time I think that. 

Until one day I had enough
Of this exercise of trust.
I leaned in and let it hurt,
And let my body feel the dirt.
When I break pattern, I break ground.
I rebuild when I break down.
I wake up more awake than I’ve ever been before.
Still I’m pinned under the weight
Of what I believed would keep me safe.
So show me where my armor ends,
Show me where my skin begins.