You know how we sort of use the term "called," loosely? Like this: "God called me to this place," or "I feel called to do such and such." Well I've been wrestling with that lately, because I think it's hard to know if you're called some place or not. I really do. For me at least. Last night I was having a conversation with someone about being called to a certain place, or to a group of people. And then a horrible thought entered my mind. Do you think God un-calls us if we are doing a bad job? And I thought about that and cried about that and let it fester in my heart the way that everyone says you're not supposed to. But my pal Adam cleared some stuff up for me. He explained that God knows what he is doing before we do (duh- but that was something I think I had sort of forgotten.) And he reminded me that just because we may not stay forever in the same place we are called to, that does not mean that we are being un-called. It means that God is calling us somewhere else. He said, "God doesn't work in a backwards motion. He is always moving us forward." And I think he is right. But as I struggle with knowing where I am supposed to be next year, I can't help but wish God would just plaster his plans for me on a billboard or leave me a voicemail explaining every detail. But God doesn't speak to us that way, most of the time, does he? And partially, I think that is because it causes us to seek him out more. I think part of the reason God is less clear than we would like in his plans for us is because he knows that we are drawn to him by seeking out his words and his thoughts. And for me, it's working. I'm not much closer to knowing where I am "called," for next year, exactly, but I was reading a little 2nd Timothy this morning and came across this and thought, wow God, I see what you're doing there: "..but share in suffering for the gospel by the power of God, who saved us and called us to a holy calling, not because of our works but because of his on purpose and grace, which he gave us in Christ Jesus before the ages began.." WHAT. Help! I've found my calling! And it's a holy calling! And I don't know what that means! And why does God pick US for a holy calling? These things I don't know. But really all I'm searching for these days is discernment to understand more of God. And here, I have gotten a step closer. It may not be a direct answer to my present question of where the heck do I go, but it does teach me that I am called. And I am given a holy calling, and so are all of us. And I'm praisin Jesus for that because if you really think about it, we're not really worth a holy calling. We mess up and we're not even close to being as holy as we will be when we're dancin' in heaven before God, the holy of holies. BUT, God knows that. And he calls us anyway. (ps- I know these are incoherent, rambled, and slightly confusing thoughts. But I don't think we have to be coherent all the time. Learning requires a little bit of disheveled-ness.)
When I was a little girl, I used to stand at the door and sob until I couldn't breathe when my sister would go back home. She is 15 years
older than me, so her visits were so special and precious to me and I couldn't bear to watch her leave. I looked forward to her coming for weeks, soaked up every minute of her that I could have, and as she left I would crane my neck until the last speck of her car was out of sight. Recently, I have discovered something new from an old part of me- it's the idea that love stands at the door and sobs. I haven't really cried hard when anyone drives away from my house as a "grown up," quite so much. In fact, hardly ever. But recently I did. And that sadness that fills me, that makes me stick out my bottom lip in an attempt-to-not-cry pout, it's really lonely. But it's lonely in a way that I have never understood before- it is beautiful. When I was a little girl, I distinctly remember thinking, "why is she leaving? It's so much better when she is here. She should be with me, it makes more sense." And today I felt that feeling all over again. So I cried. Quietly. Sad. Lonely. But so full of love. I'm crying right now as I write this because I just can't believe how incredible it is that we are given the opportunity to love other people that much. I'm crying right now because I'm thinking about how God sees us, his precious ones, his children. And I sometimes wonder, do you think that God stands at the door crying when we leave him ? Do you think he wonders, "why is she leaving? It's so much better when she is here. She should be with me. It makes more sense." Because he loves us so much? Love stands at the door and sobs. Love lets you go, but watches you until you are out of sight. I've said it a million times, I will say it again; one of my favorite things about God is how he uses our earthly experiences to understand him more. Especially our experiences with the ones that we love. Because I understand the kind of love that pulls you to your knees a little bit, in quiet sadness, but louder in love. I can't handle how beautiful that is. |