So if you'd like to kindly hop over to my new blog, The Learned Things, I'd love to see you there! Thanks for believing in me and being patient with me.
https://thelearnedthings.wordpress.com/
see you there!
Hey friends, I'm still alive, I swear! I've been having a lot of writers/bloggers/whatever block lately and have had no desire to write or create or figure out how to make a blog work. BUT because blogging and writing is something I love, I have decided to just take a little fresh start over on Word Press. No offense, Weebly, but I'm need a change of scenery!
So if you'd like to kindly hop over to my new blog, The Learned Things, I'd love to see you there! Thanks for believing in me and being patient with me. https://thelearnedthings.wordpress.com/ see you there!
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Today I did the impossible: I went for a three mile run. I went for a three mile run with a boy. I went for a three mile run with a boy I'm dating. I went for a three mile run with a boy that I'm dating who is running a marathon in 3 weeks. SOS. I'm going to be completely honest with you- I had a little bit of a mental breakdown. About 10 minutes in I just had to look down at the ground and keep breathing deeply to make sure I didn't cry. Not that crying is bad, but if I was already feeling down, crying wasn't going to boost my self esteem any. It was horrible. At one point I pounded my feet on the ground and yelled "I hate running! I hate it! I hate it!" Which is partially true (when I'm out of shape). I even shook off Adam's touch and words of encouragement because I was thinking "I don't really deserve that right now because I'm a chump who can't run three miles." Running is really important to me, in a strange kind of way. Probably because my family runs, and I grew up running, and then I quit. Mostly, it's important to me because my dad can't run. He physically is unable, and he was actually injured training for a marathon. So I think there's a part of me that feels like it's my job to do what he can't, or to make him proud or something. That may be a valid feeling, but I think something that I've got to own is that it's really not my job to do anything except for to keep my body a temple for the Lord to dwell in. And I think for the most part I do a decent job of that, except for when I call myself fat (today) or when I eat food just because it tastes better than sadness (today). I think also I've got to own up to the fact that the reason that run was so hard for me today was because I was constantly comparing myself. At first, I was comparing myself to Adam. To his incredibly quiet breathing next to my heaving gulps of air, to his easy stride, and to his ability to constantly be chatting away with me. (Seriously, how do people run and talk?) I was also comparing myself to other runners. To anyone in the world that runs, ever. I was thinking about how it's just sad that I can't run better, or that I'm not more in shape, and so on. STOP. Stop comparing. It's just not worth it. Not even a little bit. Because do you know what? That run felt awful, sure. But I only actually stopped to walk a few times. And we ran a fine pace. And we finished and I didn't want to die. It's all in my head. It's a game I play in my mind, and usually I lose. I told Adam that, and he said "Not today, you won't." And through the whole run he said, "You're doing great, Holl. You're doing great." When we were done, we sat on a bench and Adam said we should pray. We prayed over our run and over the hard parts of it. We thanked God for being able to run together, spiritually and physically, and praised Him that breath fills our lungs. We thanked him for legs that move and a heart that beats. So essentially, I don't know where to go from here. It was a challenge and it was good but also so hard. I mean, just so challenging for me. It's something really close to my heart but something I've really let slip away from me and it scares me to be so far away from it. But today, I guess I took a step closer. So that's that. ***random, also, Becca took some really lovely pictures of us last weekend. Thankful for her.
sometimes I hate college.
and I feel irresponsible and uneducated. and I think "how the heck in this freaking world am I supposed to know how to pay taxes or get insurance or balance a checkbook?" and I get really sad about that because it's discouraging to think about. I don't have a happy little perk to the end of this, so that's all I've got. The end. over the weekend, I danced a lot and went to Vienna (okay, the Viennese Ball) and watched these two guys run a 10k (like champions) with Rachel, the yogurt eating cheerleader and went to Vienna again with a handsome date and Molly and Andrew (and Becca?) and ate a lot of brats and grilled out for Sunday dinner and sang a lot and missed Coral and Alexi and saw Syd and my new pal Jenna and warmed my heart right up. here's to another week of goodness. may we wake up praising the Lord for the air that is filling our lungs. Hi there. It's been awhile, hasn't it? My sincerest apologies for that; I haven't been in a slump necessarily. I just haven't felt that I have enough to write about. But is that true at all? The answer is, truthfully, no. I do have things to write about. I have thoughts in my brain and things that I experience every day, struggles that remain silent, and prayers that need hearing. But I think the truth of the matter is that blogging really intimidates me. Not only is it an expression that essentially allows my voice, previously so secretly kept between my pen and paper, to be heard by anyone that wants, but also I'm so intimidated by other, better writers. Or people I think "do life" better than me, or people who's lives just seem so much fancier or more colorful or more full of decent things to talk about. Let me just acknowledge the fact that these are all utter lies. I know that. And the truth of the matter is, I have been a writer all my life. I have been a life-documenter all my life, from story writing in the third grade to disposable cameras in 5th, to my current 21 year old, journaling, photo taking, story telling self. Writing and blogging and creating is a very popular idea right now- which is wonderful. But it also presents a problem to self conscious people like me who think incredibly naive things like, "what can I really contribute to this big world? what are my words really going to do in the grand scheme of things? who is going to read them?" First of all, who the heck cares. Right? We don't write for others, unless we are writing a persuasive speech or a letter or something like that. We write for ourselves. I think we all know that. Second of all, the very fact that I, you, we, write, is a revelation in itself. We live in a world so driven to technology and success and left-brained thinking and "where am I going to make the most money?" But we write! We can write! We can document our lives and our thoughts and if they let us, other peoples' lives. And it's the most beautiful, empowering, creative thing that we have the privilege of entering into. So gosh darn it, I'm going to write, and not be afraid. I'm going to create, to believe that I can bring together beautiful words and that I can actually write a poem and that I don't suck because we write not to please others but to enjoy. To savor the life we are given. We write because it is in us. We create because we know a great Creator. So excuse me while I go check out a book of poetry from the library and switch my major back to English and continue to rave about how beautiful this world is because we can create! t h a n k f u l I just finished listening to this sermon -- it rocked my world. This is my church from home, and one of the interim pastors speaking.
The church is going through a series on the book of Revelation, and the whole series is actually rocking my world. Moral of the story is, grab your bible, sit down for 50 minutes, and click play. I would fast forward to about 3 minutes if you're wanting to get right into it, but please give it a listen. There's something to be said about preaching the truth. Actually, a lot to be said. fly fishing practice a visit from these fine folks because Miah couldn't quite work the camera big falls exploration and more exploration |