attempting to find the will power to pack
thinking this might be a deeper issue than lack of organization
afraid and lost
Here's the deal: tomorrow I leave one home and go to another. Back to the land of Eau Claire, where lovely things happen and lovely people exist and where I have learned to love better and live freer. It's a place where I have felt the most secure, where friendships have taught me the beauty of living and where creation proves the creator. And these are all beautiful things and I am thankful for them every day, especially when I am away.
But can I be honest for a minute? I am scared out of my wits to go back this year.
And I hate that feeling more than anything.
Normally when it's this time of the year I'm jumping around excited, ready to start a new year and excited about the things that I don't yet know are going to happen. And to some extent, I feel that way. But on a whole nother level (also- is nother a word??) I have a crippling fear that builds in me, reminding me that I'm starting completely over. Living in a new place, alone, where I was supposed to be the one welcoming in my residents and instead I am now just a resident, and I am away from some people I really love.
I know these are things that are meant to challenge me, and that God uses everything for his good and for his glory. And I've heard it a million times- "Holland, God is just opening a different door for you" - well I think you're right. But it's not always easy to accept at first, and it certainly requires a lot of faith to feel purposeful at all. Have you ever felt a lack of purpose? It's really just an icky feeling, like there is no reason at all why you are where you are and that everything is just sort of spinning around you and you are supposed to figure it out alone.
But here's the thing- I know that God is greater than this. I know that to be true, and I can see small blessings within this new year, the year that I wasn't expecting. Things like the fact that the sun comes in my room in the morning, and that I get to live with a friend that loves to laugh as much as I do, and that I am surrounded by this community that is so insanely beautiful I can't even describe it.
It's just not always easy, you know? Sometimes it takes a lot more faith than you think you've got, a lot more trust in God than you feel like you should give him, and at the same time a lot more reliance on the truth that God has got you where he's got you. And quite honestly, he doesn't need you there- he is God. But he chooses to use you where he's got you, and he's going to hold to that.
So maybe in a week or two, I will write another "current," and I will let you in on how this new adventure is treating me. Either way, I'm going to do my best to hold fast to my God and the simple yet so glorious truth that he is greater.
And let go of all you cannot hold on to
For the hope beyond the blue.