Here's the deal: tomorrow I leave one home and go to another.  Back to the land of Eau Claire, where lovely things happen and lovely people exist and where I have learned to love better and live freer.  It's a place where I have felt the most secure, where friendships have taught me the beauty of living and where creation proves the creator.  And these are all beautiful things and I am thankful for them every day, especially when I am away. 

But can I be honest for a minute?   I am scared out of my wits to go back this year.

And I hate that feeling more than anything.


Normally when it's this time of the year I'm jumping around excited, ready to start a new year and excited about the things that I don't yet know are going to happen.  And to some extent, I feel that way.  But on a whole nother level (also- is nother a word??) I have a crippling fear that builds in me, reminding me that I'm starting completely over.  Living in a new place, alone, where I was supposed to be the one welcoming in my residents and instead I am now just a resident, and I am away from some people I really love. 

I know these are things that are meant to challenge me, and that God uses everything for his good and for his glory.  And I've heard it a million times- "Holland, God is just opening a different door for you" - well I think you're right. But it's not always easy to accept at first, and it certainly requires a lot of faith to feel purposeful at all.  Have you ever felt a lack of purpose? It's really just an icky feeling, like there is no reason at all why you are where you are and that everything is just sort of spinning around you and you are supposed to figure it out alone.

But here's the thing- I know that God is greater than this.  I know that to be true, and I can see small blessings within this new year, the year that I wasn't expecting.  Things like the fact that the sun comes in my room in the morning, and that I get to live with a friend that loves to laugh as much as I do, and that I am surrounded by this community that is so insanely beautiful I can't even describe it. 

It's just not always easy, you know?  Sometimes it takes a lot more faith than you think you've got, a lot more trust in God than you feel like you should give him, and at the same time a lot more reliance on the truth that God has got you where he's got you.  And quite honestly, he doesn't need you there- he is God.  But he chooses to use you where he's got you, and he's going to hold to that. 

So maybe in a week or two, I will write another "current," and I will let you in on how this new adventure is treating me.  Either way, I'm going to do my best to hold fast to my God and the simple yet so glorious truth that he is greater. 

Also I am letting good ol' Josh fill my ears today. This song is a gem and a half.  I think I've posted it in the past.

And let go of all you cannot hold on to

For the hope beyond the blue. 

"wide-eyed, it all made sense." 


check out this beautiful post written by one of my absolute favorites.



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Today was one of my favorite days I've had all summer. And I just really want to share all the things that made it wonderful.

so, today I...

broke in my new running shoes 
got two letters in the mail, both from unexpected people, both incredibly encouraging and filled with Jesus
received a random call from my dear Marie
spent time with Amy and Abby and Holly at Jules, and learned about Holly's fear of moose
got a surprise visit from Haley and Kenzie, and we laughed a lot
met up with two great friends who I have been missing so much
sent my Ben off to college
got a free salmon dinner complete with tomato and avocado at my sister's
received two kisses from cutie Cason, when I only asked for one
saw a quirky little movie with some of my favorite gals
ate horrible-for-you-but-so-good movie popcorn (a Holland and Amy classic)
got real excited thinkin about my Abby comin to see me tomorrow
spent a lot of time just thinking about the people I love, which is my favorite thing to do.


and now, I am about to start a new journal with a slice of mom's banana bread and my favorite tea.

thank you Father for a day that brought so much joy.

oh, and it's raining. 

Here's a video of me and my pal's trip to the north shore.  Enjoy!

Disclaimer: I am not the best at video making/editing, but I really love to do it and it's such an enjoyable form of expression for me. And that's what I have to say about that!

And the award for cutest train conductor goes to Cason.

ps- a video of the trip is to follow! 

Current:

The Root Note
wishing for fall weather and corduroy pants
anticipating adventure
content in my circumstances

I mean it- I am content.  Not necessarily content in every angle of life.  I certainly wish I was surrounded by more of the people that I dearly love, in my Eau Claire home, and if I'm being really picky I wish it was raining. But overall, I am content.  This summer has been different than I had anticipated.  Certainly more quiet than I had expected- but I have found this to be a good thing.  I have learned more about the things in life that I love. And you know what? I think that's pretty neat. 


I hope that as life goes on we all learn to love more and more things, deeper as we age, and that our capacity for a deeper love just comes naturally as we learn to see things more beautifully.  

Maybe in 5 years I will learn that I possess a deep love for trivia, and in 10 years I will discover my affinity for wine culture, or in 15 years I will wonder how I lived without sci-fi novels my whole life. (Not saying that I will live that long, or that any of those things are really on my radar, but hey- that's the beauty of it!)  I think that many people try and convince us to live quite the opposite, but I'm not having that.  As my dear friend Alexi often reminds me,  "the art of deep seeing makes gratitude possible." 

So let's keep on loving deeper, friend.  There's always more to discover.