Today I did the impossible: I went for a three mile run. I went for a three mile run with a boy. I went for a three mile run with a boy I'm dating. I went for a three mile run with a boy that I'm dating who is running a marathon in 3 weeks. SOS.
I'm going to be completely honest with you- I had a little bit of a mental breakdown. About 10 minutes in I just had to look down at the ground and keep breathing deeply to make sure I didn't cry. Not that crying is bad, but if I was already feeling down, crying wasn't going to boost my self esteem any. It was horrible. At one point I pounded my feet on the ground and yelled "I hate running! I hate it! I hate it!" Which is partially true (when I'm out of shape). I even shook off Adam's touch and words of encouragement because I was thinking "I don't really deserve that right now because I'm a chump who can't run three miles."
Running is really important to me, in a strange kind of way. Probably because my family runs, and I grew up running, and then I quit. Mostly, it's important to me because my dad can't run. He physically is unable, and he was actually injured training for a marathon. So I think there's a part of me that feels like it's my job to do what he can't, or to make him proud or something. That may be a valid feeling, but I think something that I've got to own is that it's really not my job to do anything except for to keep my body a temple for the Lord to dwell in. And I think for the most part I do a decent job of that, except for when I call myself fat (today) or when I eat food just because it tastes better than sadness (today).
I think also I've got to own up to the fact that the reason that run was so hard for me today was because I was constantly comparing myself. At first, I was comparing myself to Adam. To his incredibly quiet breathing next to my heaving gulps of air, to his easy stride, and to his ability to constantly be chatting away with me. (Seriously, how do people run and talk?) I was also comparing myself to other runners. To anyone in the world that runs, ever. I was thinking about how it's just sad that I can't run better, or that I'm not more in shape, and so on.
STOP. Stop comparing. It's just not worth it. Not even a little bit.
Because do you know what?
That run felt awful, sure. But I only actually stopped to walk a few times. And we ran a fine pace. And we finished and I didn't want to die. It's all in my head. It's a game I play in my mind, and usually I lose. I told Adam that, and he said "Not today, you won't." And through the whole run he said, "You're doing great, Holl. You're doing great."
When we were done, we sat on a bench and Adam said we should pray. We prayed over our run and over the hard parts of it. We thanked God for being able to run together, spiritually and physically, and praised Him that breath fills our lungs. We thanked him for legs that move and a heart that beats.
So essentially, I don't know where to go from here. It was a challenge and it was good but also so hard. I mean, just so challenging for me. It's something really close to my heart but something I've really let slip away from me and it scares me to be so far away from it. But today, I guess I took a step closer. So that's that.
I'm going to be completely honest with you- I had a little bit of a mental breakdown. About 10 minutes in I just had to look down at the ground and keep breathing deeply to make sure I didn't cry. Not that crying is bad, but if I was already feeling down, crying wasn't going to boost my self esteem any. It was horrible. At one point I pounded my feet on the ground and yelled "I hate running! I hate it! I hate it!" Which is partially true (when I'm out of shape). I even shook off Adam's touch and words of encouragement because I was thinking "I don't really deserve that right now because I'm a chump who can't run three miles."
Running is really important to me, in a strange kind of way. Probably because my family runs, and I grew up running, and then I quit. Mostly, it's important to me because my dad can't run. He physically is unable, and he was actually injured training for a marathon. So I think there's a part of me that feels like it's my job to do what he can't, or to make him proud or something. That may be a valid feeling, but I think something that I've got to own is that it's really not my job to do anything except for to keep my body a temple for the Lord to dwell in. And I think for the most part I do a decent job of that, except for when I call myself fat (today) or when I eat food just because it tastes better than sadness (today).
I think also I've got to own up to the fact that the reason that run was so hard for me today was because I was constantly comparing myself. At first, I was comparing myself to Adam. To his incredibly quiet breathing next to my heaving gulps of air, to his easy stride, and to his ability to constantly be chatting away with me. (Seriously, how do people run and talk?) I was also comparing myself to other runners. To anyone in the world that runs, ever. I was thinking about how it's just sad that I can't run better, or that I'm not more in shape, and so on.
STOP. Stop comparing. It's just not worth it. Not even a little bit.
Because do you know what?
That run felt awful, sure. But I only actually stopped to walk a few times. And we ran a fine pace. And we finished and I didn't want to die. It's all in my head. It's a game I play in my mind, and usually I lose. I told Adam that, and he said "Not today, you won't." And through the whole run he said, "You're doing great, Holl. You're doing great."
When we were done, we sat on a bench and Adam said we should pray. We prayed over our run and over the hard parts of it. We thanked God for being able to run together, spiritually and physically, and praised Him that breath fills our lungs. We thanked him for legs that move and a heart that beats.
So essentially, I don't know where to go from here. It was a challenge and it was good but also so hard. I mean, just so challenging for me. It's something really close to my heart but something I've really let slip away from me and it scares me to be so far away from it. But today, I guess I took a step closer. So that's that.
***random, also, Becca took some really lovely pictures of us last weekend. Thankful for her.